Training the Self-Control Muscle

So how do we build our self-control muscle? The same way we build regular muscle, slowly through regular exercise at the right level. We don’t expect overnight success with weightlifting, why do we expect it with self-control?

Smart Goals Start Small

Just like building muscle, to develop self-control, you have to train at the right level. Don’t start by lifting 300 pounds. Goals have to be realistic. Work for improvement, not perfection. The best way to build self-control is in the small things: skip the candy, don’t buy the magazine at the checkout, lose the cuss word, order a smaller ice cream. Pick a small battle every week that you know you can win. Make a rule you can keep.

Self-Control Doesn’t Land on Fantasy Island

Don’t live in a fantasy world. Be realistic. Be realistic about how and when you will be tempted (you will be). Have an action plan ready to deploy.

Have the Right Target

When you start winning with self-control, don’t slack off. It’s easy to coast as soon as we see a bit of progress. Exercise is not a green light for cheesecake. The goal is health, not more food. Saving $1,000 doesn’t mean get a bigger loan. Good choices don’t balance out bad ones. Stay clear on what you are trying to do, and don’t let small successes sidetrack big wins.

Cool, Calm, and Collected Is Restrained

Self-control is calm. One way to improve self-control when tempted is to breathe slowly. See the breathing article for more details, but slow breathing through the diaphragm puts your body in the mode for restraint. Elevated heart rates and constant distraction/entertainment put your body into a zone of low control.

Exercise Is the Foundation of Control

Remarkably, physical activity improves our overall self-control. It’s not people who have self-control who exercise, it’s people who exercise who have self-control. Start building self-control by bumping up your exercise to 3 days per week or more. Go for a walk outside every day, even if it’s only for 15 minutes to start. Success here will automatically build self-control.

Limits of Our Ability

We have a limited reserve of willpower. And we aren’t faced with things beyond our ability, but sometimes we put ourselves in a position that is beyond our ability to resist. Don’t go shopping if you’re trying to save money. Don’t go to the ice cream shop if you’re trying to lose weight. If you do go shopping, leave the credit cards at home. Most of the fun is in looking; buying creates anxiety. Put your money in a bank account not connected to your debit card.

Clean Up the Environment

Don’t bring stuff into your house that will allow you to make bad choices. Make the easy choice to leave it at the store rather than having to make 10 tough choices at home when you are tired and weak. Flee from temptation.

Get Infected

Self-control is infectious. The people you spend time with can make a big difference in how much you eat, drink, smoke, and exercise. If the people around you are eating healthy, exercising, saving money, or volunteering, chances are, you will too. It also helps to have someone who you can report your progress to every week.

Think It Out

You can’t control what pops into your mind, but don’t squash thoughts before you study them. Negative thoughts resist control. If you try to squash thoughts and feelings instantly, they will pop up like whack-a-moles. Instead, think through the thoughts and feelings you’re trying to push away. Come face to face with what you’re thinking and feeling. Be honest---don’t try to fool yourself. Bring the thought into the light. Talk to someone, a pro if need be.

Quashed Cravings Quicken

If you try not to think about food, food will continuously pop into your mind. It’s one reason diets often promote weight gain rather than weight loss. If you tell yourself that chocolate is forbidden, your cravings for it will skyrocket. We want what we can’t have.

Don’t Resist, Deflect

Instead, observe how your body feels when it craves food. Feel the craving; study it; deflect it; don’t resist it. Resisting builds desire. Instead, diffuse its power with observation and self-reflection. Redirect your desire to something helpful. Desire itself is not the problem, it’s the harmful things we are yearning for. Refocus desire to something good. You can’t leave a vacuum, nature abhors a vacuum.

Promised Rewards MIA

When we overeat, we are seeking a reward, but the reward is elusive. When we buy something, we are seeking satisfaction, but we never feel as good as just before we hand over our credit card. Desire is not the same as happiness, but we sometimes confuse them.

Too Tired for Restraint

Sleep is foundational to good health and willpower. When you’re tired, you give in. POWs were interrogated when they were sleep deprived---they were more likely to give in when tired. Don’t let tiredness sap your willpower.

Chill Daily and Weekly

Self-control saps energy. Take time to relax every day and one day a week. Eat good food. Avoid things that spike your blood sugar and make you hungry in a short time. Stable blood sugar helps you make better decisions. When you’re hungry, the decision quality goes down.

Self-Control That’s Ready in 5 Minutes

When faced with a situation that requires restraint, tell yourself you will control yourself only for 5 minutes. Surely you can wait for 5 minutes. After 5 minutes of calm, the temptation is often weaker or gone.

Failure after Failure

Also, when we fail, we tend to fail big. If we eat one cookie, we might as well eat the whole jar, we’ve busted our diet already. When we fail, we are drawn to the things that make us feel good now. More food if we are dieting, another cigarette if we are trying to quit. We shop a bit more to make ourselves feel better when we’ve overspent. This is when we have to admit to our failure, forgive ourselves, and move on. We all need a bit of grace sometimes. When you fail, stop. Forget your failure and move on. Guilt doesn’t work, grace does.

One Small Step

Small choices build big habits. Habits trump self-control. This is virtue: making a series of small decisions well to develop good habits. Saying, “Tomorrow, I’ll make a better choice,” is like going to a bar for free beer when the sign says, “Free Beer Tomorrow.” Make the better choice now, Tomorrowland doesn’t exist.

Technology of Self-Control

Getting you to view or play or buy has become high-tech. Bad habits are big business. Technology devices are explicitly designed to steal your time. Cell phones, iPads, TVs, video games, and websites are programmed to give us small rewards that trigger a desire for more. Handle technology like it’s a biohazard.

Do Self-Control

You are the kind of person who makes good choices and carries them out. You Are! Don’t focus on what you’re missing out on, but what you’re getting in the future: health, security, energy, or whatever your goal is. Imagine your future self that you are exercising restraint for.

You Can Control Yourself

To focus willpower where it has the biggest bang, create surroundings that require less self-control. Recognize your limits. Don’t do too many stressful activities that require restraint in one day, you’ll overstress and break. Find time to rest and play. And reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and urges when they arise. When facing a situation that demand self-control, breathe deeply and slowly. You can control yourself!